


Tales of an Uchiha Detective

by MistahWompah



Category: Naruto
Genre: Crack, Detective Noir, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-18 05:54:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 12,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2337629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistahWompah/pseuds/MistahWompah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shisui thinks that he's the star of a Noir film. Itachi has to deal with his nonsense. Pre-Uchiha Massacre. Crack fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Naruto.**

**This story is not serious at all, despite first impressions.**

* * *

I was oblivious to the incoming storm. In my line of work, I should have expected it. One day, you'd be sitting around, sharpening kunai, and the next you'd be fighting for the very future of the Leaf Village itself.

I didn't know it, but a tornado was incoming and I was the one lousy fucker who had to do damage control.

I lived a good life. Successful ninja and police officer, nice house by the Naka river, I had a bright future.

Thing about bright futures, though, is that they have a habit of crumbling down right in front of you. God is nothing but a writer, and he has a penchant for throwing shit all over the main hero.

That main hero is me, Uchiha Shisui. I found myself the unwilling protagonist of a play written by fate itself.

I guess it started that one night. I hadn't been on the job for a while. Boss man said it was something about me overworking myself. Thing about work, though, is that it's a ladder, and if you wanna get to the top, you have to climb up it. It wasn't so much that I was overworking myself;

It was survival.

Dark shadows crept along the dusty wooden floor like slithering snakes searching for their next victim. A door squealed. It couldn't take the unfathomable pressure in the thick air. It's cry was like a soliloquy. It told tales of pain indescribable. It spoke, not to me, but to anybody who may have heard it. It warned that nothing good was to come in the future.

I was deaf to it.

I made my way into the hallway, waving away the tangible dust in the air. I took a glance around and my eyes were almost sucked into the abyss. All I could see was a tunnel of darkness. A piece of advice for you: never walk down a dark tunnel. There's only one destination, and you'll never know where that destination is until you're staring it down, unable to retreat.

There was a thumping at my door.

"I'm coming, I'm coming," I said, scratching the back of my head. Fate waits for nobody. It seemed God was getting impatient at my tardiness. If I had known, I'd have waited a little longer in a petty attempt to spite the bastards that dragged me into this mess.

I reached the front door. It was unclear to me at that point, even with my sharingan eyes, but it was then I saw my destination.

It was a one way ticket to hell.

Opening the door, my eyes narrowed as I saw who was there. It was a petite girl. Black hair, smoky dark, mysterious eyes and ghostly pale skin. She looked like one of those girls in the movies - the dangerous ones.

She was looking at me, face blank. She had that look in her eye that declared me as nothing more than a worthless schmuck.

"Shisui, I am a male," the girl said. "Why are you narrating out loud - in the past tense?"

So she was the type of girl to ask questions. Dangerous, indeed, and just my type.

"Shisui, I am 10 and a male. I am not 'your type'."

"Shut up, Itachi! Don't ruin my flow! I've got something good going here!"

Girls like that, they were all work and no play. I suppose it was admirable, being that dedicated, but it was also sad. The world was a jungle, and those who relaxed were the ones who died.

We weren't so different after all.

Her face was empty, like a ghost's. There was something lurking in those black eyes of hers. She'd chew you up and spit you out before you had even noticed it.

"Shisui, please stop narrating everything. I don't know what has gotten into you today," Itachi paused. It only lasted a moment, but the tension was palpable - so thick it could be cut with a kunai. The hairs on the back of my neck rose to life, fear a defibrillator, shocking them awake.

"But, Otou-sama wants us to go and see him."

So the boss man wanted me. Back to work, I guess. Time for rest was over, and now I was back to climbing. It was then when I had my last taste of a regular life. In the near future, I'd be begging to have that last taste forever. I'd have savoured it if I knew what God had in store for me.

The woman -

"I'm not a woman. I'm a boy."

She gave me a blank stare: expectant and disdainful. Heh, she wasn't wrong. We're all nothing but boys when it comes down to the grand scheme of things. This world was too grown for us, and before we could take a step into manhood, we'd already be dead.

She gave me one last glance and turned away. I guess she liked what she saw-

"Unbelievable."

It came out as an almost silent whisper - but I heard it - and I knew she was talking about my handsome face.

She disappeared in a flock of crows. Maybe it was an omen - a warning. Maybe I was overthinking things.

I'd rather not take the chance.

There was no such thing as over thinking in a world like this. You had to consider all possibilities, or you'd get whacked in no less than a day.

I followed.

It was in that moment that my fate was sealed. There was no way out now. I was on a train down a singular path, and the only way out would be to take my own life now and call it quits. A final 'fuck you' to God. Thinking about it now, that didn't seem like such a bad idea. My soul would have no mercy taken on it, but, even if it was for a single second, it would be nice to say "I won" to the puppeteer looming behind those ominous clouds for once.

* * *

A door was meant to open, to let people in, but as I looked at the one right in front of me, I wanted nothing more than to run away and never see it again.

It was traditional - one of those doors big shots liked to have. Vintage, they say. Nothing more than a load of crap to me.

"They're shoji doors, Shisui. You have them, too."

I swore I heard a rat squeaking in my ear -

Itachi made a low rumbling sound next to me. I guess she knew that something was wrong, too. It was the foul stink in the air that told me that there was trouble in paradise.

"I'm male, and there is no stink."

With that, she pushed slid open the door. Heh, a male? I guess it was a man's world. If she felt the need to lie, then so be it. Everybody has their own secrets.

I'm no different.

Following her in, I was greeted by the blank face of the boss man. The office had a sanguine tint, a warning of the blood on the horizon -

"Shisui, who are you speaking to?"

The boss man's eyes focused in on me like lasers. I was the follower, he was God. Or at least, he was an avatar of God. He was the one who was about to take the light out of my life.

"What are you talking about?"

He was asking questions, getting angry. I held my tongue -

"You clearly aren't holding your tongue."

He, Uchiha Fugaku, was the type to get angry quick, and if you made him angry, then you could kiss your future goodbye. He had that look about him. He didn't want to play any games and despite having the appearance of a methed up rat, fun was not a word in his vocabulary.

"What did you just say?" His voice boomed. I'd said nothing, yet here he was, already losing his temper. If things stayed this way, my life expectancy would find a way of shortening quickly.

Funny how things worked like that.

"Idiot," Itachi whispered.

"Yes, you'd be right in that assumption, Shisui," Boss man said, face as cold as ever.

I said nothing more, knowing not to poke a sleeping dragon.

Boss man pinched his nose. I couldn't blame him. Stress accumulated when you were at the top of the ladder and people were constantly trying to knock you down.

"Are you finished? I don't have the time to deal with your nonsense, Shisui."

He paused.

Itachi rubbed her -

"I'm a - I don't care anymore."

Itachi rubbed her temples.

"Now, I've got a case for you two. It's nothing big-"

Nothing big? They always say it's nothing big, but they aren't the ones that have to stare the devil in the eyes day in and day out. They sit in their big comfy chairs, ordering around the small fry, but I guess he earned it. King of the jungle and all.

The boss man cleared his throat and twitched. I could feel death's embrace wrap around my throat.

"Shisui, shut the fuck up and let me speak!"

Itachi's eyes widened. I couldn't blame her. Boss man was one of those cool, collected types. Something really must have set him off.

"You."

I had a feeling that it had something to do with the case. I felt a strange tingle in my bones that suggested nothing good was to come-

_*WHACK*_

"Ow, what the hell!?"

Bastard threw a stapler at my face. King of the jungle? More like king of my ass.

"Oh, shit! I'm breaking character."

I stood up, cradling my nose. I didn't say anything, though. I played it Bogart: cool and collected.

"Now, will you let me finish?" Boss man asked. I wasn't a question; I could hear the underlying threat in his tone. "I have a simple job for you. Itachi, I want you to work with Shisui here. It will be a good opportunity to learn from him."

The boss man halted as he said those words. It was as if he was re-evaluating his decision. Small fry were liable to get eaten up, so I understood, and in a way, I agreed with his sentiment. Still, I didn't want to face the wrath of the deities by myself. I bit my tongue, though. Say one wrong thing, and I'd get whacked.

If I didn't know any better, I'd have thought it was the boss man's time of month.

"Ugh… unbelievable. Itachi, you're going to go with Shisui. Keep an eye on him."

I don't know what made me so untrustworthy, but I had nothing to hide so I didn't protest.

"There's been a home invader."

My stomach churned like it was making butter. Boss man glared at me with those slight, furtive eyes of his.

"As I was saying, there's been a home invader. Whoever it is intrudes whilst people are… copulating." Boss man coughed. "There's been numerous cases of this around the village."

So this was no joke. I could feel every fibre in my very being. I think the puppet master's body had started quivering in deranged laughter. The weight of the village shifted onto my shoulders and I was slowly, but surely being crushed by it.

"Shisui, this is no laughing matter," Boss man said, giving me a pointed look.

Of course it wasn't.

"Listen, Shisui. Listen, now, or you're going to get fined."

…

"Yes, the problem is very real. I had the… displeasure of coming across the intruder last night."

I could see Itachi's cheeks puff up, a look of disgust glimmering in her eyes.

There was a dusting of pink on Boss man's cheeks. They were boiling with anger and I didn't want to exacerbate it. Angry big shots were bombs. Poke them just a little bit, and your life, along with everyone around you's life is over. It was an unspoken rule: don't piss off the big guys. They are the ones that get to decide what justice is, and justice was a hammer. It could crush you in an instant.

No, it  _would_ crush you in an instant.

"Shisui, you're not getting paid for this job any more."

"But~!"

"You will do it."

I didn't say anything else.

"I got a glimpse of something with my sharingan, but the invader got away before I could catch him. They left no clues in my room, but there have been other victims."

The big shot pushed an envelope on his desk in my direction. The info. I picked it up and opened it without a thought. I shouldn't have, as that envelope contained all my woes, stress and rage. I just didn't know it yet.

It was scrambled up, so I activated my sharingan and as the words became more and more intelligible, my heart sunk more and more. I just didn't know why at the time.

"I see."

"So you're finally taking things seriously now, Shisui?"

It was the Boss man who said it-

"Clearly not. I don't want to deal with you any more. Just… read the reports."

I nodded, and with the girl, I left.

Meandering through the twisted tunnels, we finally found our way outside, twilight crawling across the sky. The clouds were heavy, looking as if heaven were ready to collapse.

Itachi lit up a cigarette.

"I'm not lighting up a cigarette, Shisui. I don't even smoke."

"Listen, Itachi. My story. My rules. I'm God here."

"Then are you not making things bad for yourself?"

"It's a story!"

"It's real life. Though, life is a story that is different for everybody. We all have different perceptions of the universe around us. Thus, we live in one big intertwining plot line..."

"Yeah!"

"Even so, there's no need to narrate everything."

I looked away in silent indignation. The femme fatale girls were always the ones to crawl underneath my hard shell. I hated it, but at the same time, I relished in it. It made me feel like a human for once, a good guy.

"For the last time, I'm a boy, Shisui."

The cool girl's anger had started to surface. It was always the truth that riled them up the most.

"You're ten years older than me. You're like an older brother to me. No, a younger one."

"Stories like these always have to have a romance in them. It's part of the formula! Just stop interrupting me; you're killing the immersion."

The girl gave me a flat stare and walked away.

"I'll see you tomorrow."

Heh, they always came back.

* * *

Snow fluttered from the frozen sky like fragile fairies falling from grace. Each flake was an irredeemable remnant of purity, lost forever like ash from a fire.

"It's not snowing, Shisui. It's the middle of summer."

Itachi always did try to calm my nerves, load of good that did. If I wanted to soothe my nerves, I'd get jacked up on half a bottle of painkillers.

"That's horrible."

It was a winter's day: cold and unforgiving. It was fitting. This world was as cold as the heart of man and God knew it. He wasn't afraid to show it, either.

We stood outside the victim's house. It was a small, humble place, but it sent my senses haywire. The place looked more like an ugly mug to me. The top windows were glassy eyes, staring down at me with no visible emotion. The house's pale green skin reminded me of the cold, lifeless skin of a zombie and the mouth of the house was a door to all the shit to come.

The girl gave me a sly look, so I winked back. Rolling her eyes, she knocked on the door.

The thumps mirrored my heartbeat, speeding up exponentially. We waited with baited breath.

It was then, the fate of my village came crashing down on me full force.

As the door moaned, opening slowly but surely, I could smell death in the air. Two shadowy figures cast their eyes on me, and I knew… I knew right then that there was more to this case than met the eye.

The shadows cleared and a couple stood. The man looked as if he'd seen better days, black stubble growing on his face. His black hair was messy with neglect and his weary eyes were eroded by the wear and tear of everyday life.

The woman was a cute little thing. Brown hair, brown eyes and heart shaped face. She didn't stand out much, but she looked nice.

"Is your friend okay?" The man said to Itachi, eyes furrowing. "He seems to be speaking to himself."

"Yes, just ignore him. Despite his eccentricities, he is very capable."

So the girl -

"You're a girl?" The man asked, eyebrow raised.

"N-"

"Yeah, she's a girl. What of it?" I said, strutting up to the man and grabbing his shirt. My sharingan activated and I glared into his dark eyes.

"N-nothing."

"I'm not a girl," Itachi mumbled.

The man's wife flinched, body cringing into itself. I should have said sorry. She didn't deserve to see that, but I was compelled by the righteous anger flowing through my veins.

"I-It's fine, Uchiha-san," she mumbled. "But why… why are you narrating everything?"

Why was I narrating everything? I'm just an everyday schmuck that's thrown into a situation too wild for me to handle. If I pretended that this was a story, then maybe things would make more sense in my head.

"That doesn't make any sense," the man said. I didn't know his name.

"It's Takeo."

So his name was Joe. That was one of the shadiest names around. Real greasy kinda name.

"It's not Joe, it's Takeo."

Joe liked to talk a lot, so I didn't grace him with a response. Guys like that, they'll get you talking, then they'd get you drinking. Once they got you drinking, you could kiss your secrets - and your asshole - goodbye.

"Hey bastard, I've got a wife! Why would I wan-"

"Takeo, calm down," His wife held him back like a leashed dog. Guys like that, they were loose canons. She was his leash. If she was not there, then I'd have to do the dirty deed.

Put the dog down, so to speak.

"Miss, what's your name?" I asked. I needed to send her a thank you card. For keeping my conscience slightly more clean. It was like picking up one piece of trash from the dump; it didn't make much of a difference, but they say it's the thought that counts.

"A-Ayumi."

So her name was Joe. Real shady.

"Shisui, stop it. You're embarrassing the clan." Itachi chided, voice not wavering. I listened and i nodded. I didn't want any trouble.

"Ugh… lead the way, Takeo-san, Ayumi-san."

The big guy, let's call him Big Joe, gave one of those suspicious glances and with his big meatball head-

"Are you  _trying_ to start trouble?" Big Joe growled.

"Shisui. Please stop."

"Stop what, Itachi?" I said, my voice cold. "This is my life. Do you want me to stop living?"

"That would be nice."

I gave her a detective's glare. That stopped her talking in a New York minute.

"What does that even mean? What is a 'New York'?" Big Joe asked. The other joe, let's call her Little Joe, grabbed onto his arm and shook her head. Heh, wise choice.

Nobody else spoke, a cold wave of anxiety spreading through the humble home. Yet, something was real off. I didn't know what, and I wasn't going to find out any time soon.

We were lead into a small, cosy room, couches sitting around the centre of it. Yet, the blue walls were like ice, nipping at our arms and the seat's hairs were standing on edge. I closed the door behind me, the others already ahead I caught the coat hooks on the back of the door. It was as if they were hooks from a fishing rod, trying to reel us in. They were the bait, and we were hooked.

I turned around to see everybody was already sitting down all eyes on me. The man looked like he was tryna kill me with his glare and the woman was trembling. Maybe it was out of it was out of fear of what's to come.

I didn't like it.

"Shisui, stop wasting time and come sit down."

I complied. I couldn't resist the call of a beautiful woman like Itachi. It was a weakness of mine, I admit.

As I sat down, the couch seemed to absorb me like quicksand. It was constricting and I wanted nothing more than to just-

"Can we get on with it?"

"Go ahead. Nothing's stopping you."

Itachi bit the inside of her lip from what I could see. Maybe the nerves were finally getting to her. I couldn't blame her.

"I can't get a word in because you keep on speaking."

I closed my mouth, and let her speak.

"Thank you. I'm a boy by the way."

…

Heh.

"Please, can you tell us about the intruder?"

Big Joe's cheeks were tinted with pink.

"It's Takeo!" Or so he said. He kept his glare on me for a while. "Well… we were... in bed a couple of nights ago."

I knew what he meant. Two Joes swapping their disgusting grease to make a big fat sloppy Joe.

"And we heard giggling… but we couldn't see anything. We were so alarmed that we had to… get out of bed."

"I see. Is there anything else that you could tell us?"

"No, not really."

Of course not. Guys like that never really have anything to. Their heads are more meat than brain.

"Excuse me!?"

The lug's head was twitching. He was probably so juiced up that any thought, no matter how rare they may be, was eradicated from his mind. You couldn't reason with meatheads like that.

"Uchiha-chan-"

"I'm not a girl."

"Can I kill your partner?"

"It would be inconvenient for me."

Heh, she always had my back. She just didn't want to admit it.

"You can after we complete this case."

"Can we see your bedroom?"

"Of course. We haven't cleaned it since… we've been too scared to enter."

All that meat yet he-

"Shisui, shut up."

"mmmlmetmm mme mmspeak."

* * *

The bedroom was dark and dank, whiskey bottles scattered around the floor, cigarette butts screwed into the ground and a thick layer of grime on the grey walls.

"We don't smoke or drink and the bedroom is painted white."

I heard the sound of mice squeaking behind walls. This was a real gritty place. It had Joe written all over the walls.

I couldn't worry about that, though. I'd seen too many shitty places to get affected by this. As a seasoned detective, the first thing I needed to do was to get into the mind of the perpetrator.

"No, we need to analyse the scene first."

"Shut up, Itachi. This is more fun."

Big Joe growled like the beast he was.

"I'm not a beast! And this is not meant to be fun! Do your job, you shitty police officer!"

"Hey, police officers aren't shitty!"

"No, they're not, but you are a shitty police officer!"

I bit my tongue, glaring at the man. It wouldn't do me any good to kill a victim, even if he was a shithead.

"I'll let that slide, okay. I just need you to do something for me." I said, bringing a hand to my chin.

Itachi glared at me.

"Can you… demonstrate what you were doing on the night the nookie monster attacked?"

"Since when was it called the nookie monster?"

Little Joe squeaked.

"Little Joe, it's just for the investigation."

Her cheeks were cherry red.

"Of course they would be, you pervert!" Big Joe shouted at me, I held my hands up, not in surrender, but so I didn't kill the beast by accident.

"It's no big deal. If you're too embarrassed, then me and Itachi will do it first to make you comfortable!"

"No we won't Shisui."

The thought of making love to a beautiful woman in front of a wild animal was scary, even for me, but if it was for the case, then I'd do it.

"If you keep this up, I will have the mangekyou by the end of the week."

The threat sent chills down my spine like a bucket of freezing water over my head. I didn't say any more, fearful of any potential holy retribution that I might bring upon myself.

"May we search for clues?"

Big Joe refused to look at me and answered Itachi's question with a straight face.

"Yes, you can."

Clues? We wouldn't find any. From what I had heard, the perpetrator seemed more like ghost than man and ghosts left no clues. I wasn't a believer in that supernatural bullshit, but my senses were telling me otherwise. Look underneath the underneath and all that was visible was an abyss of blackness. Secrets we were not supposed to know. We were in over our heads.

A case like this… this was one of the most important cases in the brief history of cases. Briefcases, I like to call them, but unlike, a briefcase, I couldn't handle this.

There would be no evidence. None at all.

"I found something, Shisui."

I was just joking. Evidence was pretty easy to come by.

"What is it, Itachi?"

"Blood."

Things were about to go Texas.

* * *

The moisture in the air carried a thick foreboding that suffocated me. The storm was incoming.

Itachi and I had sent the blood off to be tested.

Nothing had come back yet.

We visited a handful of other victims, yet we did not learn anything new. We were walking in an everlasting circle, God laughing at us on his perch in the sky. The pressure was weighing down on me, crushing my bones and destroying my will.

The fate in the village was in my hands, Itachi's too.

I looked at the dead brown walls of my jail, sanity hanging on a thin thread. Nothing good was to come, and in these maddening walls, I was sure to lose it.

"Shisui, please stop. My room is not that bad."

"Itachi, something's not right."

"This is a simple case, Shisui. We just have to wait for the results to come back for now, and then we can continue."

"Heh, I did some snooping around. I just need some confirmation… if I'm not right, then something fishy is coming up."

"What do you mean?"

"I looked at Big Joe's blood type. I got a bad feeling around him. He was too aggressive."

"He was getting annoyed by you. I'm glad I sent you away whilst we spoke to the other victims."

She always did see the need to be a strong, independent woman. It was as if she had something to prove.

However, now was not the time for independence. If the culprit wasn't Big Joe, then I fear it would be a ghost.

"Are you stupid?"

I may not have believed in the supernatural, but I was sure there was some divine intervention working against me. I would ask for a miracle, but God was a sick son of a bitch and he was having a lot of fun toying with me. I didn't want to risk it, or rather, I couldn't afford to risk it.

The door knocked and my eyes were drawn to it. I could feel the vibrations ravish my body and my world was turned upside down.

"Come in," Itachi said.

The door slid open, and her mother, Uchiha Mikoto walked in, tray her hands and envelope sandwiched in between her arm and torso.

She smiled at me.

"How are you doing, Shisui-kun? Are you keeping my Itachi out of trouble?"

How could I say I was when I was walking into a shitstorm, holding her hand as I went to face the wrath of God alone.

"Well, then just take good care of him."

"Okaa-sama…" Itachi pinched her nose. Seemed that even the big tough girl wasn't immune to embarrassment.

"Oh, Itachi-kun... If you want to be a girl, that's fine. I'll talk to your father about it. There's nothing to be ashamed of. Shisui-kun, Thank you for being so accepting of my little Itachi."

"No… I don't want to be a girl, Okaa-sama. Shisui is just being weird."

"No, no, there's no need to deny it. I understand and accept it.."

Itachi hid her face, masking her eyes from the storm to come.

"Stop talking about storms."

The Boss lady giggled. It was a harmless, kind sound, but I feared it would be the last giggle I ever heard.

"I've got some cookies and milk for you. Even big ninja like you need fuel, Itachi-kun."

"Okaa-sama… please."

"Shisui, you too."

She leant over to me and whispered in my ear.

"He's still a kid. Eat with him so he doesn't feel like he has to be so grown up. I appreciate what you're doing now."

Of course. Detectives like us need fuel to live. It was a lifeline. Without food, you'd have no energy and with no energy, you'd never be able to become the top dog.

"That's good… and before I forget, something came in the mail for you, Itachi-kun."

She tossed over the brown envelope under her arm and smiled.

"Thank you, Miss Mikoto"

She smiled and left the room. I picked up the envelope in my calloused hands, eyes narrowing. I knew what it was; it held the weight of the future and I couldn't help but tremble.

"Just open it, Shisui."

So I did.

My eyes travelled over piece of paper. I bit my lip.

"Blood type B."

"Oh?"

"Seems like Big Joe has some explaining to do."

"Shisui, there's hundreds of people in the village with blood type B."

"What other lead do we have?" I growled out. I didn't mean to snap at her, I just couldn't take the pressure.

She sighed and, at that moment, I knew that I had won.

* * *

The walls were painted black with night, only a small light to tell us that we hadn't fallen into an abyss and lost our way. That light gave us vision, and with that vision, I could see the end. Of course, it was all an illusion. We were in the eye of the storm. We thought it was all over.

We were wrong.

Under the light sat Big Joe, writing in his seat.

"Shisui, this is illegal."

"Shut up, Itachi."

"I really mean it. You've gone too far. We were meant to take him in for questioning, not an interrogation."

"Shut it."

I snapped. The girlie didn't know how serious things were. The fate of Konoha was on our shoulders.

"By the sage," she whispered. Seems she was finally starting to understand the brevity of the situation.

I turned my gaze to her. "You be good cop. I'll be bad cop."

"What, no, that's ridiculous."

"Itachi…"

I was wrong; she didn't know things carried on the way they were, people would be too afraid to have sex. That means, they wouldn't reproduce. Then, the birth rate would drop to a new low, and, eventually, the tale would spread. All around the world, people would fear the nookie monster, and stop copulating.

And that would lead to the human race becoming extinct.

"That's ridiculous."

"You're insane!" It was Big Joe who had decided to speak up this time. Insane? He was the insane one. He was bringing about the end of the human race. At least, I thought he was.

"Tell me what you know."

"I don't know anything!"

I went to strike him, but the girl stopped me.

"Shisui, stop."

"Let go, Itachi! The fate of the world is riding on us! I can't stop now!"

"Shisui, you're really going to far."

"You're not going far enough!" I tried to squirm my way out of her grasp. Desperation was eroding on my sanity.

"You even admit it. Shisui, stop!"

I relaxed.

"You're too much to handle," Itachi whispered. Too much to handle? So was this case.

"Because you're making it difficult."

I sighed. I was being an asshole and I knew it.

"Thank you."

If being an asshole saved the world, however, then I'd be an asshole. Assholes were needed to get rid of human waste. It wasn't nice, but it was necessary.

"W-W-What are you talking about?"

Big Joe said it. More like squeaked it. I didn't have time to be playing games.

"T-Then let me go?"

I activated my sharingan.

"Are you the nookie monster?"

It was now or never. I'd find out the truth now. I prayed to the Gods that it was all over, ignorant to the fact that they were fucking me over.

"How are you ignorant about it? You've mentioned it a thousand times."

If he  _was_ thenookie monster, then my struggle would all be over now. I'd be free.

"No."

My eyes whirled and my heart sank.

He was telling the truth.

"Shit, shit, shit, I'm going to get reprimanded so hard. Fuck, I need to stop him from speaking up about us capturing him."

" _You_  captured him."

"No, no, no, it was  _us_ Itachi. Listen. We can go back in time, get Yondaime-sama. We could get him to teleport us into your room and then we'd have an alibi."

"How convoluted. Just tell the truth."

"No!"

"Shisui, you idiot-"

"Kotoamatsukami!"

Big Joe's eyes glazed over.

"Is that a mangekyou sharingan!? And why are you  _still_ narrating?"

"Your name is Joe, and you own a loan shark racket ran inside the back office of a pizzeria."

"What even is a pizzeria?"

The deed had been done, but my struggle was not over. I needed to soothe myself. Even I couldn't bare the stress for so long.

I needed a break and maybe a needle or two. I knew it would shorten my lifespan, but what did it matter?

* * *

The sky was blood red, and I could smell it on my nostrils. I finally had room to breathe, yet the case still hung on my mind. I needed to cool down. To think a bit.

I decided to go to the hotsprings. Maybe if I was lucky, I'd fall asleep and get suffocated by the smoke. Just maybe.

The sound of giggles invaded my ears.

"Giggles? It's just like the victims said."

Was the nookie monster out to get me? If I was getting any, I'd let the bastard watch. I sped to a wall and peaked around it, fearful of what I'd see.

Was this all just a sick joke?

I hoped not.

My eyes caught a glimpse of spiky white hair. It was peaking into a crack on the women's side.

"Jiraiya-sama?" I mumbled.

Of course. Jiraiya was the culprit all along. It made so much sense, yet i couldn't see it.

Maybe God had blocked out my memories for his sick game.

I held my hands up into single seal. flickering away onto the roof of the bathhouse that the pest was peeking into.

Slipping my hands into my pockets, I withdrew two shuriken.

I had enough of this shit, so I decided to stop it right at the source. Activating my sharingan eyes, I made a dive for it. It all happened in slow motion.

My body soared off the roof and as I flew like a bird, I felt as free as one, too. I seemed to have caught his notice, but it was too late. God's game was over.

Two shuriken flying in the air, they collided against each other and one careened off right into Jiraiya's asshole.

"Bullseye."

"OW!"

I was overcome by an elated sense of victory, euphoria flowing through my veins. I had won. I had beat God. It was all over.

And then I hit the ground.

"Ow what the hell!"

The floor was hard. Agonisingly so. I cursed. Even if I had won. God had found a way to shit in my pie.

Bastard.

Standing up, my grin proclaimed victory.

"Got you, Jiraiya-sama!"

I opened my eyes and was met by an army of infuriated women scowling at me

They screeched, like banshees, and in that moment, I knew what death looked like.

* * *

"So it was Jiraiya-sama?" Itachi asked.

I got a pointed stare.

"Yeah, I checked his medical records. Blood type B and he has a rare condition."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, erectile dysfunction. Anytime he gets aroused, blood flows to his nose rather than his dick, so he can't get an erection."

"How crude of you."

"So basically, he's a virgin, but he writes those books right? He has to do research."

"So are you going to turn him in."

"No, that's not cool."

"You just want to keep reading his dirty books."

So the job was done. God had his fun, and I prayed it was all over-

"Don't ignore me."

I had enough of shit storms. I just wanted some time out. If Itachi wasn't such a stick in the mud, maybe I'd ask for some  _fun_ to celebrate, but that wasn't the case.

"I find myself worried about you. I'm 10 did you forget?"

I suppose so. 10 years too old for me. The girl's fists clenched and I swore I saw smoke pouring out her ears.

"I can't deal with you anymore! I hope your eyes get gouged out before you die a horrible and tragic death by drowning!"

"Not cool."

 


	2. Chapter 2

**I don't own Naruto**

* * *

I think the first sign of what was to come was the everlasting black I saw. Or rather, I didn't see because I couldn't see. Darkness doesn't exist within itself. It's just a lack of light.

Or as we know it, just piles of shit stacked upon one another.

That's why humanity has always been so dark in my eyes - because it's a big steaming pile of shit. That's something I would come to learn soon.

The darkness was like an ocean, swallowing me whole. I was drowning in it at the time. It was slowly killing me. There was darkness in the air, black in the darkness and nothing in the black except for fallen dreams and twisted hearts.

I opened my eyes.

The light drowned me. I thought that maybe it was God's light purifying me, but then I remembered that God was an asshole.

I didn't welcome the painful glare of the sun. The bastard let himself in, made a coffee and ate my leftovers from last night. I wanted the shithead out, but I couldn't do shit but pretend he wasn't there.

No way was I about to let him eat my leftovers.

That was what compelled me to get up and as I reflect now, it serves as a good lesson:

 _Always_ finish your leftovers as quickly as possible. Leave them to sit, and you'll get food poisoning when you try to eat them later.

Fate wrapped its bony hand around my throat. I couldn't feel it, but my life was hanging by a thread.

The thread of vengeance.

I stood up, tossing off my light blanket, lumbering towards the drawer. I needed underwear.

I couldn't have known. It was all too obscure. How was I supposed to understand it?

My boxers were pink.

My face steeled. Pink boxers? I was sure that they were white before. I knew what happened. It was a sick, deluded game and I wanted no part in it but I had no choice.

Somebody had dyed my boxers pink. Pink like the flesh of man. I knew it was a message, I just didn't know what that message was.

It was an omen, that I knew, but for what, I didn't know.

One thing struck me the most.

Somebody had been in my room.

But  _why?_

All I could think was that it was some sort of obscure declaration of vengeance. They had been close to me. Maybe they could have ended my life - but they wanted me to suffer, knowing that a noose was slowly tightening around my neck.

I could understand that.

What I could not understand was the colour shift of my underwear.

It was all a sick, deranged game.

And I didn't want to play it alone. I  _couldn't_ play it alone.

I needed a partner.

* * *

I stood in front of the house.

The air around me was misty, the sky nowhere to be seen. Fog seeped into my nostrils, it seeped into my skin, it seeped into my heart, clouding it with mystery.

The anxiety was choking me. I was now aware of the reaper's glare on my back, his scythe caressing my neck. There was not a bird's chirp, nor a child's cheers to put me at ease. The trees were bare; they looked like flaccid skeletons: droopy and lifeless and I could taste death on the end of my tastebuds.

It was bitter.

I had to gather my wits. It wasn't over yet, no matter how much I wished it to be, so I knocked on the door with slow, rhythmic thumps, trying to get my rambunctious heart to match the rhythm. I stopped when I noticed that I had knocked the door one too many times and it was already open.

"Hello, Shisui-kun."

It was the Boss man's wife that had spoken. My lungs froze. What if I had angered the boss man somehow? What if he was the one who wished to sink his claws into my unsuspecting back? I could have been walking into a trap all along.

Yet, I couldn't feel the reaper's smirk targeted at my back, so I relented.

"Oh, so you're playing this narration game again, Shisui-kun? Are you trying to loosen up Itachi again? It's a good idea; I might just have to try it some time."

She didn't know - this was all serious business. Maybe she was taunting me - saying that life was a game and I was about to lose. I couldn't be sure, so I just replied with:

"No, maam. I assure you that I am 100% serious."

She giggled into her hand.

Foolish woman.

Her airy demeanour dropped, and for a second, I thought that it was all over. That I had lost.

"What was that?" She asked, her motherly voice cold and menacing.

"N-nothing, Miss Mikoto."

She smiled a knowing smile and I breathed a sigh of relief.

"That's good. But you know it's rude to interrupt people while they're trying to speak."

"Yes, Miss Mikoto."

I…

"Don't."

Red eyes cut through me. She turned away.

"I'll lead you to Itachi-kun, then, shall I? If that's why you're here."

"Yes, miss Mikoto."

I followed her in silence.

"No you aren't following me in silence."

My heart was still frozen by her glare. A glare that held a divine power, a power fully capable of divine retribution. If she wished away my existence, then with that glare, it would be so. That would be the greatest vengeance - and for that reason, I knew that the Boss man was not the one targeting me. If he was, it would already be over.

I breathed easy for a moment, but it was short lived as I saw the blue, sub-zero hands of death tighten around my throat. A cold sweat built up on the back of my neck.

I was going to die - I knew it.

"If you keep staring at my behind, you will die."

"Y-yes, Miss Mikoto."

My hands shook. I was hit by a wave of poisonous foresight.

_I was going to die._

"Itachi! Shisui is here."

The boss lady yelled, but there was no reply.

My heart jumped into my throat, so I tried to gulp it down as the Boss lady motioned me in. I slid the door open with damp hands, feeling the eyes of the devil on my back.

There was nothing on the walls. There was nothing on the ground. The was nothing on the ceiling.

The emptiness of the room crawled into me.

Itachi, where was he?

"I thought you gave up that narrating nonsense."

I shook myself out of my stupor.

Itachi, he was sitting in the corner of the room.

"At least he's not calling me a girl this time," Itachi whispered. He thought that I couldn't hear him, but he was wrong.

It wasn't surprising. He was fresh blood - jumping straight out of the frying pan and into the flame. I was almost felt pity for him - something that was foreign to me. He didn't know it, but fresh blood spilled the easiest.

"What do you want, Shisui?"

Small fries like him didn't know how to be tactful; it was a survival skill that they had to learn. More often than not, though, they died discovering just  _why_ they had to learn it.

It wasn't my job to give the fresh bloods survival lessons, though. My own life was hanging on a thread, so I had no place talking about survival.

"What?" Fresh blood asked. "What's wrong? Are you going to die soon?"

My eyes darkened, reflecting the image of the future ahead of me.

"If you keep on narrating things, I'm not going to take you seriously."

How could I tell the kid that I was going to die - that, at some point, we would all die?

"Ugh…"

"Yeah, I'm gonna die. I need your help," I said, deciding to go for broke. Using my head, never got me anywhere so I decided to trust my instincts and go all out.

"..."

Silence. The Fresh blood didn't reply. I wasn't surprised. After all, reality is a hard thing to a face when you've been staring at an illusion your whole life. Fresh bloods, they knew nothing. It was scummy taking away that precious innocence of theirs - but it came with the job and the sooner it was learned, the better.

"I know this is overwhelming, but even a lone wolf has a pack."

The fresh blood glared.

"Are you an idiot? They're called 'lone wolves' for a reason."

"Let me sound wise, Itachi!"

So they fresh blood wasn't replying. I shouldn't have expected any better, but this was for the sake of my life, so I persisted.

"Has any of your underwear been dyed pink?"

I stared into the newbie's eyes, waiting for him to waver.

"No."

He did not waver.

"C'mon, a little more info?"

"..."

So the little newbie thought that he could ignore me? He was wrong - terribly so. The silence was void, so I decided to fill it.

"This is a little tune called the Konoha Blues-"

"Fine. I don't know anything else."

Newbie's defiance was soon vanquished from his face and he relented.

"Was that so hard?"

The fresh blood glared at me, his youthful eyes defiant and stupid. In that moment, I was reminded of myself a decade ago. Fresh faced and willing - but not ready - to take on the world. I was green - like a shit after you'd eaten too many vegetables.

I was soon thrust out of that ignorance like I was Tsunade paying back her debts. Itachi would be, too.

"Help me, Itachi. I need to find out who's after me!"

The fresh blood's glare did not relent. He did not say another word, but the refusal was clear in his eyes.

"Get out of my room."

I heard something in my ear - a gust of wind. Maybe it was the world was warning me. Or maybe death, who was still holding his scythe to my neck had enough of holding back had let one rip into the heavens and beyond.

"If you don't get out of my room within the next 10 seconds, I will soon obtain the mangekyou sharingan."

Big threats, but would he deliver? I decided to take the risk. The seconds went on by - there was no need to count out loud. I was timing my life by the feel of the reaper's grip around my throat.

I think, in some way, I wanted to die. Then I would be freed from the cold wave of anxiety breathing in my ear, tickling the side of my face. The hairs on the back of my neck jolted awake, too unsettled to sleep.

"10."

The fresh blood made no move, but his eyes flashed red.

"Nice try."

I dispelled an illusion of his as soon as he applied it and in that very moment, the door slid open.

"Now, now, be nice Itachi-kun."

My body seized. I couldn't find the air in my lungs.

"But if you're still narrating, you can find the air in your lungs," Itachi said.

I suppose that's what Miss Mikoto's presence did to me. Knowing that she had the power to erase my existence with her glare, I didn't want to anger her. So I didn't speak.

"You boys," she smiled kindly, as if she wasn't a demon.

"Sorry!" I said.

"It's fine. It's fine."

I didn't meet her eyes - I was sure It was all over.

"Itachi, go with Shisui."

"But mother… you were listening?"

"Itachi. Go."

"Fine."

So the fresh blood decided to come. I'd let him tag along if that's what he wanted. Sometimes I thought I was too kind for my own good. Then I remembered the reality of this job. I wasn't being kind at all. I knew that… but the fresh blood would find out with or without my intervention. I wasn't going to let him do it alone.

Maybe that's why I let him come, despite my protesting mind. I wanted to appeal to my own humanity. To repent for my sins.

"What are you talking about?  _You_ asked me to come. Not the other way around."

I turned away, my dark eyes grim with foreboding. They followed a scurrying spider, speeding across the surface of the sprawling wall. It made it's way onto the sheath of an ornamental sword, its legs sullying the blade with its tainted touch.

Was it a symbol of the rotten revenge rearing it's ugly head towards me?

I wasn't quite sure, but what I was sure of was that the reaper's scythe pressing into my trachea felt like it was about to break my skin.

Yet, like the fool I was - and still am - I put it to the back of my mind. I looked down, seeing a picture of a cowboy on the table. That cowboy only spoke bad things to me. In the corner of my eye, I saw Miss Mikoto glance at it, too with an ever so sinister glint in her eye.

"Oh, don't mind me."

So I didn't. I looked forwards and walked onwards into the empty future.

* * *

The sky was toneless and the path white with dust. I could hear our footsteps crunching along the one way trail.

"You couldn't keep quiet for 5 minutes."

Itachi spoke at me, not to me. His words meant nothing. Only the destination mattered.

The world around me had ceased to exist. It was as if the buildings were merely foliage in the background. My surroundings became a jungle of brick and wood. I could feel the eyes of hungry predators on my back, but I saw nothing but the black wind that lashed across my face.

"I can't believe you're still doing this. You're 20 years old."

And I heard the rustle of concrete grass underneath my feet, every step like the ringing of a bell. I was calling them - the people who wanted my head - towards me.

I felt as if I should have given up, but I still had that defiance in my veins. It was a burning desire to piss off whoever wrapped fate's wiry hand around my throat.

I suppose that was what kept me walking.

"What are we doing, Shisui?"

What we were doing? We were jumping into the deep end of the pool with our legs tied together - that's what we were doing. We were walking head first into the blazing fire of vengeance. We were challenging death to a duel.

But I couldn't say that.

"We're walking."

The fresh blood didn't reply right away, keeping his eyes forward. I could have sworn I saw his fist clench.

"Where?"

We were walking into the pits of he-

"Shisui, tell me where we're going now, or I'll kill you."

Gotta admit, the kid had guts-

"I'm getting real tired of your shit, Shisui."

"Wait, where did you hear that sort of language?"

The fresh blood stopped, his eyes wide. It was as if we had just stepped into hell and it had frozen over. His eyes spoke a million words.

"Please don't tell mother."

"As long as you don't tell her where we're going."

The newbie gave me one of those sideway glances, eyes narrowed.

"Fine."

"We're going to a bar. To get information."

"That's rather cliché."

Clichés existed for a reason. They were simple. The more simple things were, the better.

I made my way through the abode of the wild with Itachi by my side. The grey bark of dead buildings was starting to stain my vision. It was as if God had put a black and white filter to my eye.

As I sit here and reflect, I realise that it was then, in the everlasting shades of grey, that everything started to blend together. It was that night the confusion began.

"Please, no. Don't cause a ruckus."

"You can plead; you can beg, but nothing you can do will earn you your sweet salvation."

"Salvation?"

The bar came into my line of sight. I surged forward, my path clear. The fresh meat followed me, about to jump into the fire. If nothing else, he would make a tasty steak.

I pushed the door open and slowed down. The air was thick with ghostly smoke and the lights were dim. There was a low murmur underneath the melody of smooth jazz music.

"What is 'Jazz music'?"

Everybody in the building was a shadow, merging with the background. I caught the glare of a few white eyes, but that was it.

Shadows, smoke, booze, that was what personified a bar to me. They were zones that only the seediest people resided in. It was as if it was a gate to hell and all the demons had come out to play.

There was one person who stood out, though. The bartender. His eyes were narrow and his face severe. He fixed us with a piercing stare.

"Get the kid outta here."

The man was like an ostrich on meth. He looked like the sort of person you could take a shit on and not feel bad about it. I moved towards him and took a seat, dragging Itachi along with me.

"What the hell was that shithead? You wanna fight?"

The meth was clearly getting to him. I needed to handle the situation with care.

"No, I want info."

"We sell booze, not info."

He was being stubborn. I guess I needed a secret code or something.

"No, you don't. This is a bar, not an info broker."

Or so he would like me to think. I was just a pig to him, but I was off duty-

"That's really not it… and get the kid outta here!"

"Shisui, I should leave."

I grabbed the kiddo's shoulder before he could leave. I needed to show a backbone - and bowing down to the whims of a bird that couldn't even fly was the last way I would do that.

"No, he's a ninja."

I hoped that would be enough to placate the bartender. He furrowed his furry ostrich brow, looking at the forehead protector Itachi was wearing, and I leaned forward, a small smirk stretch across my face.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Why are you narrating?" The bartender flapped his wings, but he couldn't fly. Realising how pathetic he was, he decided to splurge his info.

"Do you  _want_ me to talk?"

I swore I heard Itachi whisper ' _Play along and he'll go away'_ but I doubted it. This wasn't a game and I hoped that Itachi understood that. For my own sanity, I pretended that I didn't hear the fresh blood.

"Fine, shithead, what do you want to know?"

I bobbed my head from side to side and turned up my lip. I don't know why. I guess it was just a habit.

"I want a shot of gasoline."

"That's not alcohol."

"And I want a shot of diesel for the fresh blood here, too."

The bartender glared at me, his bird-like eyes empty but piercing.

"Those are fuels - and I'm not givin' the kid alcohol, ninja or not."

I withheld a sigh - dealing with birds was always a problem. They couldn't talk, let alone reason.

"Fine, I want water and a milk."

"Milk? Shisui, don't patronise me," Itachi whispered.

I smirked. Like a typical newbie, he thought he deserved the universe.

He was wrong.

"That milk's for me, bub."

The bartender went to walk off. Probably to lay some eggs. I stopped him in his tracks; i didn't want to be treading on eggshells any time soon, so I had to be quick and upfront.

"But first, you got any scoops?"

"Scoops?"

"Yeah, scoops. I'm not talking about that vanilla shit," I leaned forward, cupping my hand over my mouth so the secrets would vibrate against the calloused surface.

"I want the chocolate."

Recognition flickered in the man's eyes. He knew what the deal was.

"Ice cream?"

I smirked. It seemed I was finally getting somewhere.

"Yeah, if that's what you wanna call it."

"We don't sell ice cream."

"Information, you drugged up bird!"

"Drugged out!? You're the one who's drugged out, mr narrator! The only reason I don't kick you out is 'cos you're a ninja and I don't wanna die!"

I went to shout, but such childish games were beneath me. Fun - I'd forgotten what it was. All that was left of me was an empty and hollow shell. I took a deep breath.

"Just tell me what I need to know, and I'm gone."

His face twisted like he was having difficulty comprehending my simple words. He glared once more, furious that he had been outwitted. Meatheads didn't like being shamed, I guess. I couldn't blame them. If you couldn't handle listening to a single sentence, then being outsmarted must have been overwhelming.

He gritted his beak, muscles visibly tensing.

"Fine, asshole. What do you wanna know?"

"I wanna know the big scoops - no ice cream - the important stuff."

The bartender's face scrunched up so much so that it looked like a scrotum-

"What the hell!?"

"Shisui, you idiot."

"Shut it, Itachi."

"Just tell me what I need to know."

The man glared.

"Well, have you heard about the murders-"

I got up and dived over the bar, glasses smashing around me. The wail of broken glass rose throughout the bar, causing dust to levitate in the air. It was as if that dust was a sinister scatter of stars, falling as they foresaw death.

"Are you insane!" The man cried as I pressed him to the shelves of alcohol.

"Shisui!"

"Don't fuck with me! I want important stuff; not some petty murders!"

I felt Itachi try to pull me away.

"Shisui, get off him!"

"Not until he gives me the chocolate scoops!"

"What scoops!?"

"The chocolate ones! No vanilla!"

"What!? Please stop! I'll get you all the ice cream you want!"

"I don't want ice cream! I want scoops! Where are you hiding them?"

I grabbed a bottle of vodka off a shelf, shrugging the new blood's arm off like it was a feather. I smashed it against the corner and held it to the man's face. The low murmurs in the bar had turned to raucous cries of fear. I suppose they didn't like it when a pig threw his weight around.

"That has nothing to do with it! You're insane!" Itachi yelled.

"Tell me about the underwear!"

"I don't know anything about the underwear!"

"I'm not asking you. I'm telling you!"

In an adrenaline induced rage, I threw the bottle in my hand and a cry of pain resounded through the area.

"What the hell, Shisui?" Itachi whispered like he was trying to cut me with his breath.

"Who threw that!?" A gravelly voice shouted.

Not concerned about petty crooks, I tightened my hold on the bartender glaring at him.

"Tell me!"

"I don't know!"

My sharingan activated.

" _I don't know."_ The man's voice was dull and toneless.

"I guess he doesn't know."

I shrugged off Itachi, ignoring his glare. He didn't kn-

"Shit!"

My head snapped back and there was a shatter of glass. I stepped back, seeing double of the sharp shower and I had a line of blood dribbling down my face.

I cracked my fists.

* * *

The single light in the bar flickered on and off, a fly's buzz resounding through the room. The ethereal smoke had been vanquished from the air. It was strange, but there air was empty without it. There was a low groan on the ground, so I looked down. There were bodies folded on the floor, bodies slumped over the pool table and bodies sprawled across the bar. The wooden floor was painted red with brown spots. Teeth, a couple of legs from stools, a single knife: they had all found refuge on the iron red ground.

"I can't believe you, Shisui," the fresh blood muttered. He didn't understand - he didn't understand anything, but I knew that he was beginning to see.

"Beginning to see that you should be institutionalized."

I bit my lip, reality seeping in. I was off duty and I had beaten the living daylights out of a whole bar. I could lose my job-

"Hopefully."

And I wouldn't know what to do with my life. Being a detective was all I knew how to do.

I had to get rid of the evidence.

"Shisui, what are you thinking?" The fresh blood's voice was both warning and ignorant.

I slipped my hand into my kunai pouch.

"Is that an explosive tag?"

New blood surged forward and grabbed my wrist.

"No, Shisui, you're not blowing the place up! Take responsibility for your actions."

"No way. With me off the streets, the exterminators will get lazy and the streets will get more scummy. I can't let that happen. I need to hide the evidence!"

"No. you don't!"

"Yes, I do!" I cried out, cursing the holy retribution that I was subjected to. "We need to do this! He knows about the scoops! He knows we need the chocolate, not the vanilla! We've left our mark behind, I say we need to get rid of it!"

"By blowing up a bar full of civilians? Have you heard of subtlety?"

"Nobody will notice!"

"You're crazy!"

I tried to tell him that I wasn't, but my mouth went dry. I realised that we were living in two different worlds. I had been kidnapped by the cold hands of fate and he had been pampered in the cosy cavern of ignorance.

My mind raced and slick sweat streaked from my temple. My mind ran faster than my mouth.

"Have you stopped?"

And, everything had started to make sense. The weight that was put on my soul was placed there by the only person who could. The only person with a name seedy enough to get the drop on me.

It was Joe.

The big one.

"Itachi, we have to go."

"Shisui, wait."

I was out of the door already.

* * *

The frowning house looked especially dark as twilight cast its sinister black across it. Leaves crunched underneath my feet as I took in the cold, bitter air. I could feel a tingle in my fingertips as if my danger senses were crying out to me. There was a strange, intangible pressure, but I could feel it regardless.

"Shisui, please, just be calm."

The New blood knew nothing of the uncertainty in my heart. It felt as if my blood had just reversed its flow. It was an agonising, unsettling feeling and I was helpless to stop it.

"Shisui, don't."

The voice of my disillusioned comrade was naught but a whisper to me. It was drowned out by the long creek of the wooden door. A shadow crawled across the ground, long and malicious in intent. It gave the house a black, serpentine tongue and I felt trapped.

A woman walked out - Little Joe - I recalled. I slid back, my body ready to lash out if anything happened. I always felt the most uncomfortable around women like that. Maybe it was that their slender bodies always looked sleeker in the sneaky shadows that enshrouded them. Maybe it was because their eyes always weakened me. I couldn't take feeling weak - not in this world where the weak were and always will be liable to get devoured.

Her cat like footsteps send me on edge. I could feel my body kick into overdrive.

" _You._ "

The words were ejected out of her mouth like poison.

"It was  _you. You_ made Takeo like this."

I didn't do anything, but the woman was delusional. I guess that's what being married to a dog does to a person. I couldn't blame her. She was a stronger person than I.

"Don't mess around. All he talks about is this thing called "Pizza." What did you do to him?"

"Shisui," Itachi whispered. "Fix him."

Fix him? There was nothing to fix. At least, there was no solution that this woman's eyes could handle. When a dog gets rabies, you put it down, but I couldn't do that. My hands were stained with enough blood and sin as it was. I didn't think I could handle that; my conscience was already laden with taint.

"If you're not going to do anything, then go away."

The shake of my head was unneeded. The message was in my eyes.

"That's not an option. I need to see Big Joe."

The woman, like a coiled spring, crossed her arms, her eyes dark. I was sure of it, now. I was being targeted by the Joes. It made sense to me - more sense than I had ever known. It was the wonderful warm water in the lake on a hot summer's day. I lived in the winter, but I could still see it in my mind. That clarity gave me help when nothing else would.

Yet, this woman, little Joe, was standing in the way of it. I couldn't let that happen. I needed to talk to Big Joe and waiting or negotiating wasn't an option. As far as I was concerned, she had already a warrant on her own head by existing.

"Shisui, don't…" Itachi warned like only a rookie could.

""W-what are you going to do? I haven't done anything wrong," she protested. I didn't believe for one second that it wasn't her or her husband manipulating death's scythe around my throat.

"No!"

The newbie made out to lunge at me, but I was already gone.

"Shisui!"

I was behind the woman, my arm around her neck.

"I need some protection against Big Joe."

Itachi went to approach me, but I held a kunai to Little Joe's neck.

"Shisui! You've lost it! Completely! Utterly! Stop!"

He didn't understand. I wasn't going to hurt this woman unless he made me hurt her. This was merely insurance; insurance was a safe thing to have in this world. I hoped that Itachi would come to understand that fact, if not for my sanity, then for his own safety.

He retreated. He knew his place; I couldn't fault him for that.

"Just… get it out of your system," Itachi said. "Then, I'm not dealing with you any more."

"A-am I safe?" Little Joe asked. She was safe as long as I was safe and as far as I was concerned, I wasn't safe enough to make any promises to her. I turned away, leaving her in the cold air. It was a cold move, but I was a cold guy.

Surging forward, I kicked the door off it's hinges.

"Why!? I could have opened that!"

I could hear the shock in the woman's voice, but I didn't have the time to be dealing with it. I barged into the frosty blue living room and through another door into the kitchen.

The scent of tomatoes blasted at my nostrils and red, it was all I saw. I stopped in my tracks, hesitating to stride into the blazing inferno of hell.

"Your reign of terror is gonna come crumbling down right now, Big Joe," I growled. "I don't know why you're after me, but it's gonna end here!"

The man looked up at me with dark, shady eyes, red splattered on his cheek. He smiled a sinister smile. He breathed a poisonous breath. He twisted a terrifying piece of dough.

"You want money or pizza?" the man asked.

"I want my life!"

"Deep dish or New York?"

I felt my body tremble at his words. He could taunt me so casually and subtly that they were like invisible knife stabs chipping at me. I felt his wife rush in.

"Don't hurt him!" She cried.

My heart cried, too.

"You gotta knead the base like it's a tight muscle."

This sick bastard was going to rape me before he killed me. It was a cruel vengeance; he'd make me feel as much pain before I died so that maybe, when I finally croaked, I would perpetually suffer in hell all by myself. It was sick.

"Then, you gotta do the tasty stuff. Cheese, Tomato, toppings, all that good stuff."

I couldn't listen to his sick words any more, but I was paralysed by an invisible force.

"Idiot," Itachi whispered.

"In the oven it goes, and then you gotta slice it well and good."

He was going to dismember me, the crazy bastard.

"Only crazy bastard is you!" Little Joe gasped.

But I couldn't back down. I still had something to offer the world and I wouldn't squander it right now. I had too much to do - too much to lose. I was only just realising, but there was more to life than a few cases, needles and pills to tide me over. I hadn't read the new Icha Icha that had been released yet - there was too much to do than to just croak.

With all that resolve on my mind and tugging on my heart, I didn't know why I still couldn't move.

"Then you eat it all up."

He was going to eat me. I shouldn't have been surprised. After all, this was a world of consumption - where the strong ate the weak. Still, I felt the black bile bubble in my throat as it closed off. The burn was bitter and eternal. I could taste death on my tongue. It was not pleasant.

I went to lurch forward to put this dog with rabies down, but Itachi was in front of m-

"AH! I-Itachi-!"

"I'm not sorry."

"W-Why the hell would you do t-that!? A man's testicles are his sacred place!"

"You were being annoying. We're going. I'm going to get a mission to get away from you."

"..."

"Not so eager to speak now, are you, Shisui?"

The new blood dragged me away.

"I'm sorry for the distress caused, Ayumi-san."

And with that, we vanished.

* * *

I stood in front of the door to Itachi's house. I didn't know why I was running errands for the new blood, but here I was, standing in front of the desolate entrance to death, about to tell his mother that her son had gone on a mission. I could feel the rope of fate being hoisted up, but I was powerless to stop it.

It wasn't Big Joe, Itachi assured me. I still had my doubts trusting a fresh blood, but if Big Joe wanted to kill me, he'd fatten me up first. He hadn't tried yet, so I guess I was lucky. Still, it was wise to keep my wits about me, otherwise I'd get gobbled like a turkey.

I rose my hand and tapped the door, making the fire in my gut grow more and more unsettled. If there was one thing I knew how to do was to trust my gut - and my gut, I did trust.

The door slid open, whipping a hole into another dimension with it's speed.

"Uff."

I slid back as a foot struck me in the stomach faster than I could react. I looked up, glaring. It seemed that the bastards had come to steal my soul after all. I wasn't delusional.

My jaw went slack. Miss Mikoto was looking at me, eyes narrow and shadowed by a wide brimmed hat. She had a senbon in between her teeth and was clad in denim.

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us," she said, her voice proclaiming no mercy.

"I- what?" Her voice was that of a woman who had not a shred of sanity in it. The darkness had seeped in, and all that was left was a shadow of her former self.

Was this my fate?

"Look here, little narrator boy. I don't like your face."

"What the hell Miss Miko-"

I flickered to the side and the crack of a whip stung the ground, parting the shadowed clouds to reveal a black, starless sky.

"Not bad," she said, complementing herself more than me. "Seems you can hold your weight."

I furrowed my brow in a feeble attempt to look tough.

"What of it?" I asked, voice shaking like a leaf in the wind.

"I challenge you to a duel."

A duel? I had no idea what that was. I don't know what compelled me to answer. Maybe it was the strong urge to prove that the woman had no right to treat me as she was. Maybe it was a protest. Or maybe, I wanted this torment to end and this was the way out.

It didn't matter.

"I accept."

* * *

We were back to back, kunai in our hands.

A coyote howled in the distance. Yellow eyes glowed behind the cloak of the night. A cool wind rustled the leaves on the trees.

I could feel my heart beating like a drum. A line or a pill would do me well right now. Just to calm me down.

I didn't know why Miss Mikoto was acting the way she was. She was completely stupid to believe that she was in a movie. I guess she was one of those people who couldn't differentiate between reality and fantasy.

"Rich coming from you," she whispered.

"Did you dye my underwear pink?" I asked, voice low.

"No, I didn't."

"So you don't have a bone to pick?"

The woman smirked, dark eyes as furtive as ever.

"I do," she said. "Let's put an end to this now."

I wanted to ask what vendetta she had, but I was too tired and the reaper's scythe was touching bone. I just wanted this to be over.

"Fine. Let's go in 3… 2… 1."

We took a stride out and my fingers clenched around the kunai in my hand. I felt my palms dampen as I lost grip on the world around me. I felt the vein behind my ear pulse and as I took another stride, the pulse's speed doubled.

One more.

We turned around - one of us was gonna get whacked.

"Argh!"

She had thrown a lasso at me and it was around my neck.

"That's what you get for narrating instead of duelling, horsey!" The she devil yelled.

My vision went white and I fell to my knees.

It was all a blur. I could hear the demons sing. It was a cursed requiem. An end to a bitter and cold life.

"G-Get off my back, Mikoto!"

She had mounted my back and I writhed and spasmed.

"Yee-haw!"

"Why me!?"

I could feel her spank me! Why!? Why!? Why!?

"Get off! Get off! I'm not crying! I'm not crying!"

I-I w-was crying.

"Giddy up!"

"Why are you doing this to me!?"

"I'm just playing your game!"

She was the she devil. I was going to die, definitely.

I wasn't crying! I wasn't crying.

_Definitely not!_

"So you can even stay in character in a situation like this? Impressive!"

"Please stop!"

She was still spanking! It hurt so much. My arms gave out.

"Easy there!" She yelled.

I buried my face in the dirt.

I  _wasn't_ crying.

* * *

I was at home now. My butt was as red as my eyes, but I definitely hadn't been crying. I threw myself on a seat, gasping out in pain as I did so.

"Fuck."

My eyes drew to the side and I saw my laundry hung up outside.

My jaw hung open.

"I mixed the whites and the colours."

…

" _Fuck._ "

* * *

**This is probably the last chapter.**


End file.
